Setting BDSM Limits: Why you need them and how to set them

Once you start getting more than just a bit kinky in the bedroom, it is time to set BDSM limits and boundaries.

Setting limits in BDSM is crucial to increase the safety and well-being of everyone involved.

Moreover, it also shows your potential play partners you have put thought and effort into getting to know yourself before engaging with others.

In this guide, you’ll learn how to correctly set BDSM boundaries, the difference between hard and soft limits, and how to find out your limits.

What are BDSM limits?

In BDSM, all play partners set boundaries and limits as to what can and cannot happen during sessions and scenes. Hard limits are practices that are always out of the question, while soft limits must not be exceeded without the explicit prior consent of everyone involved. BDSM limits may change over time.

Limits and boundaries in BDSM, but also sex and relationships in general are important and healthy.

Everyone has limits, even those who say they don’t.

The most extreme masochist will have something that they don’t like to experience and the cruelest of Doms will set a boundary they won’t cross.

A much older Dom told me many years back how he likes to reply to subs who claim they have no limits.

“I ask them to put their hand on the table and get the kitchen knife. I then ask them if it’s okay for me to cut off their pinky finger. That usually leads to them quickly remembering some limits they DO want to set.“

Drastic…but it works.

Don’t ever believe anyone who says they don’t have ANY BDSM limits.

How you set them and why is totally up to you.

If you are not masochistic, your limit could be anything involving pain, while those who don’t like to be restrained will put bondage on their list.

No need to defend yourself

You can freely choose any BDSM limits for whatever or no reason at all. You don’t need to explain them to anyone either.

What are hard limits in BDSM?

Hard limits in BDSM are kinks and practices a person never wants to do or experience. They are set individually, however, most people draw the line at extreme fetishes or things that bring them no pleasure. Hard limits also include illegal practices, actual non-consent or minors.

Hard limits are the first thing you should set for yourself and think about before engaging in BDSM play.

Just like anything else in BDSM and kinky lifestyle, hard limits are set individually and might change over time.

It is customary to exchange hard limits between partners before your first scene and many like to write them down.

There are two types of hard limits:

Mandatory hard limits
Individual hard limits

Mandatory Hard Limits

There are some boundaries and hard limits in BDSM that are mandatory and must be observed by everyone.

These include:

Illegal activities
Anything involving minors
Animals & other living things
Lasting injuries
Non-consensual practices & rape

No matter your sexual preferences or kinks, these limits are never to be crossed.

Yes, you might have rape play fantasies…but that’s completely different from actual rape.

Pet play and putting on a horse mask is fun and all…just don’t involve actual horses.

Easy right?

Common Hard Limits

Here are some other common hard limits many people share:

Skat play (feces)
Blood
Needles (piercing the skin)
Diapers
Many fetishes

This is not to say that these are “bad” types of BDSM play, just that they fall in niche categories not many others share.

Stick to your limits

Set limits and stick to them. Good play partners will respect them and not try to change your opinion or overstep your boundaries.

What are soft limits in BDSM?

Soft limits in BDSM are kinks and practices you might not want to do as of now but are open to potentially exploring in the future. Some people set these depending on the person they play with or the time they have spent together. Overstepping them requires explicit prior consent.

Soft limits are those things you can see yourself liking but don’t want to do them now.

In other cases, you only want to do them with certain people or only with those who can fully trust.

This might include advanced impact play, certain fetishes, or anything else.

Overstepping soft limits is possible, however, only after explicit prior consent and only if both partners are experienced enough in this.

How to find your personal BDSM limits

Here are a few steps to finding and deciding on your personal BDSM limits and boundaries:

List everything you already know you don’t want to do
Use a BDSM practices list
Talk to your (play) partner

Setting limits before a scene

When you meet a new play partner, whether they are sub or Dom, Top or Bottom, it is important to discuss any and every hard or soft limit before you start.

Here are a few great ways to do just that:

Just talk about them openly

The simplest way to discuss limits is by simply talking about them openly.

If they are a new partner you have never been with before, this could be done on your first date or right before the scene.

Exchange BDSM lists

If you have made a limits list on paper or digital, you could exchange them beforehand to go through them on your own or together.

Plan the scene and get it “approved”

While this might sound a bit unromantic, it’s actually an easy and painless way to set limits. The Dom or Top of the session shows the general outline of it to the Bottom or sub and they can then agree or disagree on whatever practices are included.