Aftercare in BDSM: What it is, why you need it, and how to do it right!

Aftercare in BDSM is one of the most important measures for the safety and well-being of everyone involved.

After a hard and demanding BDSM scene, it is common to feel exhausted, shaken, and totally spent.

To calm down and bring us back to reality, an aftercare session is absolutely mandatory.

Here you will learn about aftercare in BDSM, what it is, why you need it, and techniques to do it right.

What is Aftercare in BDSM?

Aftercare is done after a physically, emotionally, or sexually demanding session in BDSM play to bring everyone back to reality. Dom and sub comfort each other, talk through their experience, and discuss what went well and what did not. Aftercare should be done after every such scene.

Hard spankings, degrading, particularly demanding disciplining and obedience, or any other BDSM play may require aftercare.

Some practices can leave either sub or Dom in a mentally fragile state and that’s the perfect moment to “catch” them and bring them back to reality.

As a dominant, aftercare means showing empathy to your submissive, and understanding their reactions and emotions.

For submissives, this is a great way to get the reassurance of respect and confidence and to sort your mind.

Why you need to do aftercare after BDSM sessions

Let’s say a Dom has played a particularly demanding dominance and submission scene with his/her sub.

It involved swear words, hair pulling, leading the sub around the room on his/her knees on a leash, as well as some pretty nasty spankings with a flogger.

The submissive is physically exhausted, bruised, and shaking, while the Dom has just spent an hour beating his/her significant other.

While it is sexy to call someone a “filthy slut”, “whore”, “bad girl/boy”, “sex toy” or lash them until their buttocks turn blue, it is equally important to show them your affection.

That’s why after every scene, you should take this time together before getting back to your normal daytime routine.

How to carry out an aftercare session

Whether with words, cuddling, going for a walk, or getting something to eat and drink, the way you carry out an aftercare session may vary. Most often, Doms and subs get close to caress each other and talk through their experiences openly.

While it is important for many to keep their power exchange dynamics up at all times, especially in 24/7 Ds-relationships, ensure that during aftercare everyone can speak openly.

Here are a few tips on how to carry out an aftercare session:

• Get close to each other
• Give each other some time
• Ask questions
• Be honest
• Doms need aftercare, too

Get close to each other

Physical touch is extremely important for most people after a hard BDSM session.

Many like to cuddle or caress each other in similar ways.

Do not evade touch if you can, as the other person can often feel a sense of rejection.

On the other hand, if you don’t like touch after sex, tell your partner about it so they know how to react.

Give each other some time

There is no need to start talking or doing something right away.

Breathe, stay silent for a little bit, and recount what you did.

Ask questions

Asking each other about their feelings, emotions, and how they liked the session is important.

Some questions you might want to ask include:

• How did you feel?
• Did you like when I did xyz?
• How is your [insert body part]?

Be honest

Honesty is key in every relationship and the same holds true for aftercare in BDSM.

Give each other honest responses and be true to yourself and your feelings.

Doms need aftercare, too

Being dominant does not mean you cannot feel emotionally drained or fragile.

Aftercare is just as important for Doms or Tops, as it is for subs or bottoms.

Example rituals

Rituals in BDSM are very helpful to structure your sessions and scenes and to feel better connected.

Here are a few rituals for aftercare you can try out at home:

Example 1 – Enjoy the silence

Have the submissive sits on the dominant’s lap and for two minutes, don’t speak at all, just cuddle.

Example 2 – Talk it through

The submissive sits next to the dominant and puts his/her head on the dominant’s lap. Talk through the scene and what you like or did not like.

Example 3 – A nice shower

Take a shower together, rub each other in with soap and enjoy the warm water.

Example 4 – Go for a walk

Get dressed, and go for a walk together hand in hand. Take deep breaths and look at your surroundings and nature. Phones should remain off!

Of course, you can mix and match or adjust your aftercare routine to your needs.

There are no rules except:

When do you need Aftercare in BDSM?

Aftercare may be necessary after every BDSM session, or only in certain cases. It is recommended to do it every time to get into the habit. Dom and sub must observe each other’s reactions as to when it is required and this may change on a day-to-day basis.

We suggest you do aftercare every time you finish a session, even if it is just a minute of comforting each other.

What feels light on you could have been perceived as extremely demanding by your partner. Therefore, observe their reactions and suggest aftercare rather once too often, than not often enough.

Dangers of neglecting aftercare

If you neglect proper aftercare after BDSM sessions, you risk emotional and physical instability in yourself and your play partners. BDSM play can be exhausting and challenging and you need a way to find back to reality afterward.

Let’s look at what neglecting aftercare can do to subs, as well as Doms:

Subs

• Feeling of rejection
• Sense of worthlessness
• Sadness
• Insecurity
• Fear

Doms

• Insecurity
• Self-doubt
• Anger

As you see, in both cases, aftercare should be carried out to prevent these effects.

Conclusion

Aftercare sessions are an important part of BDSM play. No matter if you are a Dom or a sub, we all need to feel emotionally supported.

As usual, communication is key. Talk a lot, laugh a lot, and have fun.

Do you have special aftercare rituals?